right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
