I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
