So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
