My underwear smells like fireworks.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
