thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
