there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
