so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
