$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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