all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
