I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
