this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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