as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
