if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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