I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
