Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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