This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
