my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
