thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Where did you get a picture of my penis
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
