Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
