i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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