I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
