im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
