I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
