You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
