I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
