The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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