Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
