I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
