I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
