Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
