I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
