Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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