If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
