cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
