you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
