Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
