a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
