it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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