Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
