Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
try to milk me bitch
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