I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
