Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
