he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
