we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
