my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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