I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
