you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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