Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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