My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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