I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
