When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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