i just had sex bonerless
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
